As a P.K. (Preacher's Kid), I feel I have the right to share the following jokes about light bulbs and church members. I say this with love and affection: the Methodist one made me laugh out loud even as it brought back memories of my childhood.
How Many Church Members Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Charismatics - Only one. Their hands are already in the air.Roman Catholics - None. They use candles.
Pentecostals - Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians - None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.
Episcopalians - Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
Mormons - Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians - We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Baptists- At least fifteen. One to change the lightbulb, and two or three committees to approve the change.
Southern Baptists - One hundred and nine. Seven on the Lightbulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the twelve on the Lightbulb Task Force, appointed by the fifteen on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of five, who place it on the agenda of the eighteen-member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the twenty-seven Member church Board, who appoint another twelve-member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another eight-member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a lightbulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the lightbulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a seven-member committee to find the best price in new lightbulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the twenty-three-member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more lightbulb has burned out.
Lutherans - None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Methodists - Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved -- you can be a lightbulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday, August 19. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Jewish Renewal - Depends. One if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called "The Jew in the Lightbulb." Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
Zen Buddhists - Three. One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change the lightbulb.Quakers - None. Who needs a lightbulb when you have an inner light?
Pagans - Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that lightbulbs never burned out before Christians came along.